This piece is in the latest issue of the eternally brilliant Razur Cuts. I’d like to dedicate this to the memory of my recently departed friend Geoff Johnston.
Go easy
Step lightly
Stay free
i hope you’re safe & well out there, because i got bad knees & bad days where i struggle to get upstairs, which is when i suffer from anxiety & simply can’t deal with people & in fact sometimes i get so confused when trying to understand all kinds of information that i’ve decided to self-quarantine & make myself unavailable on the phone, so please let me know if you get this.
i’ve just been watching The Deer Hunter for the first time on the telly & it reminds me how i used to think the lads i grew up with, who i loved platonically, who i never really fitted in with, were like the blokes portrayed in The Deer Hunter; me & geoff & garry & gord & raga & stevie & trev, but we weren’t really like those blokes from Pittsburgh, the Vietnam Vets in The Deer Hunter at all, so i didn’t get to be christopher walken who i dreamed about because he was mystical & beautiful & i used to jack off about him, though i kept all that sort of stuff secret because it was supposed to be Debbie Harry we all fancied back then, but i never fancied her or all the wonderful lasses we grew up, like Deborah & Jacqui & Lesley & Michelle & Sharon who never hit anybody & were always prepared to talk nicely to me because i never tried to nail them because i wanted to be their friend or maybe even one of them, but it didn’t happen, couldn’t happen, so i got away geographically but that was worse because i was lonely & didn’t know how to behave like an adult, so i just read & drank & smoked drugs with music on too loud & then i fooled myself into coming back & pretending i could be like everyone else, but i never have been happy, except when i was away & feeling happier, which is sad because that’s why i never did what i wanted to do & write books or act & now it’s too late & i might have stomach or bladder cancer, which is sad & no fucking good really, but at least it will make the type of people who prefer hank marvin’s version of Cavatina laugh when they take their dog out when they are killing things and i hope they kill me.
gilipollez 