Issue #6 of “glove” now available for £2 from me @PayasoDeMierda2 in person , or via PayPal to email@example.com for £3 GB, £4 EU & £5 Rest of World. Here’s my contribution; Ideal reading for all connoisseurs of sex, violence & bad language…..
Okay. So, this is about a person with greater physical power, emotional power, intellectual power, using that, not for the greater good, but for their own means, their own ends or, their own gratification. I have come across some horrendous cases. The majority have been about undermining people, pressurising people; belittling. It’s like the overall reason has been to get the victim, and from a personal point of view, looking at these cases, perhaps not dispassionately, this is what’s led me to a belief that the victim is collateral damage, that it isn’t targeted. It’s like a cider press; the pressure comes from the top down to the next row, spreading out like a pyramid, the pressure gets distributed onto more and more people, so the bottom row of apples suffers the most pressure and are the most expendable. The top row tends to do that to maintain their own place.
I would equate that to carrying around a rucksack full of bricks. I’m also slightly deaf in my left ear; that’s why, ever since we’ve met, I’ve been moving this way, so I can hear you and in my mid-fifties, I realised that I ain’t ever going to suddenly come out of a chrysalis, as a positive butterfly. What I found on several instances is that the lack of sympathy has been quite appalling; a case of blaming the victim who used to struggle in the winter. I used to struggle badly. That affects people and there was an utter lack of understanding. In retrospect, I was hilarious, but at the time I wasn’t young. I was just turning 30, I was late twenties to 30. The sense of dealing with failure from my point of view precipitated a very long period of complaints and all that.
Often at arm’s length, I ended up with no understanding, to the extent that about two o’clock in the morning I found myself down by the pier. You know, I’m okay, I’m here now. I was treated as if I was an ordinary, fully functioning person. And if an ordinary, fully functioning person responds in ways like that, it is unacceptable. This was, I’m convinced, tactical and I was downgraded to a lower level, where it’s mundane, it’s repetitive. Luckily now he’s probably doing something very similar. Not mentioning his obsession with craft ale bars and stuff like that. But anyway, that’s by the by.
I did two years without any problem at all. And then my mother died in September, on Saturday the second, and I was entitled to bereavement leave. And this person who’s been the biggest trouble to me, on Monday the eleventh, which was the day of my mother’s funeral, in the car going to the crematorium, sends me a text. I get a text when I’m on the way to my mother’s funeral, just because he knew the date of it. I mean it was in the paper, so they should make reasonable adjustments. I asked if I could have a room closer to a toilet. Nothing’s been done. I’m two floors away from a male toilet. Nothing’s been done like that and one of the embarrassing things is that I vomit quite a lot.
It gets to the point now where the impact on me is so great that I just can’t be bothered anymore. I can’t be bothered to fight. I almost feel that I am going to be leaving on my own terms, because it’s just nonsensical, impossible. I mean the implied threat is there from arm’s length; a threat that was passed on with the implication that, if I’ve done anything wrong, then they could finish me. It’s probably not a credible threat, but it’s a threat that I want to move on from, as I’ve never been particularly robust. If the central heating breaks down they don’t fix it, all this carry on. Trying to get rid of people, which creates lots of stress, top down and they’re like a turkey voting for an early Christmas six months ago, without a thought to the consequences. I suppose it’s the old biblical thing of twice as many bricks with no straw and in a lot of ways it’s corrupt because I know there’s, there’s huge amounts of fraud. It’s endemic.
Next Thursday nobody will come in except me, because all the youngsters are working in supermarkets stacking shelves and it’s just pointless, but if you don’t do it, they hassle you, just like Kafka. Things happen, serious things happen for reasons that you don’t know about. They have a severe sometimes life-changing impact on you and you don’t know why it’s happened. You’re powerless to resist. If a short time down the line these decisions are abandoned because they realise that they were ludicrous, there is never an apology.
Whenever I think about the very senior ones what I see are a collection of incredibly ruthless, ambitious, humourless, unsupportive automatons. It’s almost as if they’re feared. Feared and hated. Nobody has a good word to say about them and their utter lack of insight, utter lack of compassion or any kind of emotional intelligence. They’re hated and feared to the extent that some people are scared, going back years. In the recent instance they involved the semantics and all that stuff I don’t really get. It was obviously more prestigious, so very interestingly, they’re allowed a kind of free rein to mould in the way they see fit. I put a spoke in the wheel in many instances, but it’s what I was trained to do. You know, it’s something I believe passionately and unquestionably in, as if you’re not, you’re breaking the protocol.
But the amount of worried people is frightening. These are people who are isolated, who don’t know their allies because they don’t build up relationships. They must make choices, and it stinks. It stinks. I was having a conversation, and we were talking about how intensive it is. You know that phrase ‘heat or eat?’ We changed it because we’re not even able to eat because of the pressures that are on us. There are people who are not given breaks. All this sort of stuff they’re being asked to do; all of these sorts of things.
Obviously, what they require is more than flexibility; it’s being supine. That’s what they want. And it’s appalling. It’s absolutely dreadful this policy that has resulted in all these deaths. Thousands more people changed their lives and three years ago, the decision was made regarding which section of society it will affect. All those autodidacts who understood the way of the world, but they don’t want that. What they want is degradation. The complete destruction and removal of thinking, the removal of doubt, and the removal of the right to criticise. These are very dangerous things that last happened in 1930s Germany. Or under Stalin’s rule.
And it’s awful, but it’s a condition of being there. So, I did my best, really tried to deliver. Thought about it deeply, went back. One Friday afternoon, 4.56 p.m., we get an email in the middle of October; a sudden communication that leads to pressure. They made a decision to go beyond the minimum necessary, basically because their instinct is almost ingrained within them. It’s what I’ve said before. It’s a removal, it’s a destruction. It’s a complete simplification to a ludicrous degree. It’s the way, to remove any possible shade; all is black and white. There is no subtlety.
It means fraud without any name on, but we’re not doing what we should be doing which is everything they tell us. And if we don’t do it we’re putting ourselves at risk. We’re putting the future at risk. We don’t have money to fix our central heating. That’s why they need the money, but at a micro level it can be a behind the hands whispering campaign. It’s never out in the open, as you don’t want to be seen influencing other people.
I’ve heard people have been told stuff. I’ve looked after them as well. I loved what it achieved. I’m now at the point where I’m not even bothered, I had to do it. It’s very clear that there is absolutely no way you can do this anonymously. And I’m interested in language and words that people use. References to, all things like that. It wasn’t really implied. Upfront. Obtrusive. And the dot, dot, dot. The dot, dot, dot of doing something that you don’t want to do at a place you don’t want to be, where questions might be asked, but it shouldn’t be a debate. It should not be a debate. In days gone by, we would not debate this.