Big Psycho

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Big Psycho weighed about 20 stone and was still a virgin months after her fortieth birthday. She was evangelical and liked to eat dead dogs, barbecuing them on a spit she hung over the hearth. Her only two friends were No Tits and Home Perm. They were celibate divorcees on the express instructions of dog-eating Big Psycho. Ed the Horse had been a pal, but Big Psycho had killed her with cancer for having children. There was also Crepe Neck who’d murdered her husband to try and join the gang, but remained semi-detached. Her job was to use her high pitched voice to procure food for Big Psycho’s stomach. Dogs roamed in packs round Big Psycho’s Operational and Logistics Centre in Wrekenton when Crepe Neck started to talk. Every time she got hungry, Big Psycho went out and bit the heads off a few of them, flayed and boned the corpses, then cooked the flesh.

One of Big Psycho’s main skills was mind control. She made Moody German Pig and Ivan the Nonce persecute people she didn’t like with phone calls and letters.  If this didn’t work, she sent PC1130 Craig Rawlings round to beat them up. These three anti-male males, as well as No Tits and Home Perm made up Big Psycho’s elite gang; the National Union of Torturers, more famously known as the NUTs. Their ultimate purpose was to bring about the death of Big Psycho’s main enemy, Violent Heterosexual Man. He was a roofing contractor, who played pool in Ellison Street Club most nights. Big Psycho decided to kill him on his birthday; October 7th.

That day, Big Psycho got up at the third attempt, because she needed the bog. Sat on the bowl, eating the remnants of last night’s dog kebab, Big Psycho had a dirty green piss; then retched in the sink. The kebab was flecked with blood. PC1130 Craig Rawlings arrived with a collection of wallets confiscated from political prisoners he’d arrested then kicked to death on the instructions of Big Psycho, then chauffeured her to the miniature concentration camp behind the allotments on Springwell Road where No Tits, Home Perm and Moody German Pig tended the dog stocks. For breakfast, Big Psycho beheaded the consumed a dozen raw spaniels, while the Nuts applauded.

Assuaged, Big Psycho and the NUTs went to visit Ivan the Nonce, who was a headmaster and a church elder. His office was full of balloons, but his garage was full of bodies. Because he was only 58, he had a special dispensation to live with his mother and pet councillor Arthur Spotty Nose. Ivan the Nonce was still in his Noddy pyjamas, jacking off to CCTV of the boys’ changing rooms when the NUTs arrived. Big Psycho made him abandon his wank, as they were anxious to undertake the murder of Violent Heterosexual Man.

Violent Heterosexual Man was in Ellison Street Club having a pint and a cheese toastie with his mate, Intransigent Fat Bloke. They’d been grafting all morning; firstly replacing a garage roof up Calf Close, then pricing up a loft conversion in Fellgate.  In fact, they’d been that busy they’d not had time to get to the bookies, which is why they were on their third pint, feeding the bandit, when the NUTs arrived to murder Violent Heterosexual Man and Intransigent Fat Bloke.

Home Perm, No Tits and Ivan the Nonce, being evangelicals, all had sharpened crucifixes to use like daggers. Moody German Pig started shooting at Violent Heterosexual Man and Intransigent Fat Bloke with his Luger, while PC1130 Craig Rawlins drew his baton and broke skulls.

Big Psycho beamed, as she lunched on freshly slaughtered Golden Retriever, while working class men died.

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